I'm 19 and I'm Nothing

(me and fam : v.) 
Thanks to Indi.

 

Hai, I have my way to celebrate my birthday by writing what I’ve been through in a year and posting it in my blog , but who cares anyway I know. But, it’s fun to talk with yourself and share it because it just means something when I post something. My blog has become my own museum :D. So, here let me share what I got, thought, felt (and still do) for living 19 years as a human and a year as a colleger: 

1. 19 and Nothing

2019, I’m turning 19 this year and it makes me more realize that I’m still nothing after 19 years exist in this world. A year has passed of me being in college, part of psychology department. I really am happy that I chose to learn psychology and yes I learnt a lot of new things. But, that’s the thing. As I learn something, I realize that I’m not fully using the potential I have. I also (again) feel confused about myself, my future, basically about what I should do next. Now, I’m facing the phase of my life that I HAVE to know about my self. Not only about what I like to do, what my hobby is, what do I do on weekends, what my favorite color is, so on. But, I don’t know my self as a person, as a human.

What are you doing here?

What are you expecting here?

What’s your value of life?

What are you gonna do next and next and next?

What’s your purpose?

Are you living your life? Are you using your freedom?

Such questions keep running in my head and make me wanna escape from my own mind. The condition makes me want to always have someone around me to talk with. Hah, never did I need such a need. I always feel more comfortable with my self. But now, I think I start to realize that I actually don’t even know who I am. Who I am with all this time. 

Based on the theory I read, it is normal for teenager to question themselves (and yet it is confusing as fuck). Being reflective towards my self, now, I think is very important because I start to realize that I often try to avoid me being with my mind alone; escaping from the freedom to explore my self. It sounds nothing, but let’s think about it; what’s the purpose of escaping from your own mind, anyway? (or is it only me? :v). Well, I actually try not to know who I actually am, all the strengths and including the flaws. Yes, I am scared of my self, I am scared of the fact that I am not the person I have known all this time. 

Argh wow really, it sounds nothing but it is something.

So, what do I do? This is one my way to know more about my self, through writing every thing I think about. I guess it starts to work. And my mind gonna explode soon if I keep talking about how confusing I am now : v. 

The things is, I still and always still have to learn about everything, especially my self. That is why, for now, I can say that I am nothing. 

2. Psychology is fun! 

After a year of pembantaian  being in college world, IT IS SO AMAZING! I feel so many things change in my self as I discovered something new. Even though I still know nothing about the whole psychology, but it is fun to learn the every little thing of human. The lecturers are also really great and I feel comfortable in the class. So far, I never feel intimidated by them (like when I was a highschooler). Although there’re some classes that I want to skip, but overall I don’t have such will. 

Yap, psychology is fun but there’s no fun when it comes to exam time!!!! On my first semester, I was shocked that I had to consume 1 chapter in every classes which was consumed in one semester when I was in high school. Can you imagine how this girl-who-never-studied-in highshool’s adapting process?  I only relied on my brain capacity to memorize around 7 chapters in a night. Let me tell you, IT WAS THE WORST. Yes I could fill my examination work sheet, yet I could not explain anything when the exam was over. It was such a waste of time, one semester seriously, I feel bad about my self (about my UKT, especially). 

Based on the kampret experience, I slowly fix my studying process. I started to read and review the chapter after the class was over and explained it again with my words in my note book. I still do that and I feel I’m getting better in understanding what I actually learn about. Sometimes, I also review it together with my friends and it helps me a lot to understand more about what I read. 

So, psychology is fun, depends on how you discover the new things from psychology perspective :D. 

3. Opportunity

I met some opportunities that were aimed to me. My natural reaction was that I felt lucky and I felt I had to take it because kapan lagi? My reason to take any opportunities that came was that simple and simple enough to make me stressed:). In college, the opportunity I mean is being a part of an event. It was really easy for me to say ‘yes’ in the first place, then I realize why did I join something that I didn’t even know what it was. 

I kept struggling to survive on my choice, but it kept happening. Somehow, I forgot what my purpose of joining an event; to learn or to get SKP? :(. So, on my 3^rdsemester, which is now, I start to be more critical about the opportunity that comes to me. Even tho’ the one who offered me the opportunity already gave me the basic information I needed, apparently they didn’t give ALL the information I needed. One year learning about my faculty’s organization and any other event’s culture, I decided to stop accepting any opportunities in here, for now. 

I understand that my value and the majority’s are different and that’s fine. Am I coward that I only quit what seems not suited for me instead of try to give a new perception? Well... I don’t think so, tho’ I feel bad that I have to quit an organization that I really was proud of being part of them. But, yeah. It’s gonna happen. I need to look for another world that may have, at least, the culture that suited for me :). 

4. Click

Wherever you are, there’s a possibility that you’ll have some people who you’re going to spend your time with than with other people. That’s called your click (gengmu). Never did I have friends that I enjoy to spend my time with, never did I have friends that share the same values with me. Never did I have friends that keep my sanity. I have nothing but a thank you for them:

5. Grateful for him

I fully am grateful that when I feel I have no one to talk with, I still have him who will make his presence for me even only through a phone call or video call, or even via chat only. I'm 19 and I think it's ok to share some little things about my relationship. No, I will not let anyone enter my personal life like what happen with him, what problem I have with him, siapa selingkuhan w, dsb. You wish. I want to say that it's really great that I have this person to share the A-Zs of my life with. Him being in my life teaches me how to deal with my self first, then I'll be able to give some of my space for him. 

That’s all for me, once again, happy birthday to Laras. May you find what you’ve been looking for. 

I thank God that I’ve been given the opportunity to taste life for 19 years, can not wait to taste more about life.